It’s midnight. All the lights are out. The ones in the office building bang opposite our apartment, in Seoul, are still burning bright. Burning the midnight oil takes a whole new meaning in Asia. My dad would always wonder: what is it that you can achieve in the wee hours of the morning that you can’t during daylight. Back in my agency days — I grappled with the same thought. I try counting stars but the ambient light is too bright to spot any. I try counting sheep in my mind. It’s weird because I don’t remember seeing sheep (in the real world) other than my trips to the mountain towns of the Himalayas. My mind wanders. I try reciting a decade of the rosary (there are five in all). It used to work when I was younger and was one of the ways mum put me to sleep. Shoot! Nothing seems to work once insomnia hits. It’s 2 a.m. and it dawns upon me that I might not sleep until dawn.
Sleep. A goodnight’s sleep. It’s what I dreamed about the most during my days as an expat. As a kid, I had little trouble falling asleep. I was knocked out by 10 p.m. and we’d be tucked in bed much earlier. No matter how important the exam or how unprepared I was — I had to get my sleep for my brain to work the next day. I struggled during my agency days because my brain would shut by 7 p.m. and all-nighter’s were really difficult for my drooping eyelids. Sleep. I needed more sleep than an average adult.
Tokyo was the first time that I followed Basil on a work trip. It was the first time that I decided to try being a travelling spouse. It was the first time that I took the subway alone in a foreign country. It was the first time that I ordered a hot chocolate from a coffee shop in a foreign country. It was the first time that I booked an inter-city train ticket in a foreign country. It was the first time that I went to the supermarket in a foreign country. It was the first time that I realised how important the sun was in winter. It was the first time that I craved for some Indian food in a foreign country. It was the first time that I realised how important language was when you’re struggling to load the washing machine or use a bidet after using the toilet (or will end up spraying your face instead). It was the first time I lived in a country wherein loneliness was harder to escape than the constant rush of people around me. It was the first time that I felt the ‘big city’ is not where I belonged.
Wasn’t I talking about sleep? Honestly, even in the conscious state my mind, I cannot have a linear line of thought. I will digress. I will forget what was the point that I was trying to make. But, I rarely lose an argument on that account. When I’m struggling to sleep — the neural networks, in my brain, start sparking in ways that you could never imagine. I imagine brilliant thoughts or ideas — only to trash them after a good night’s sleep. That’s what makes me wonder: when did it all begin? How did someone — who chose sleep over a drunken night/s (and risked not fitting in) at ad school — start struggling with sleep?
Shanghai followed Tokyo. Seoul followed Shanghai. Travel got easier. Expat life got harder. Friends envied me. I envied them back. They wanted my life. I wanted theirs. I wanted to plant roots. I severed them instead. With every trip back home, I could see my parents get older and friends get stranger. Every goodbye got harder and every plane ride got easier. Language got harder and sign got easier. Accepting change got easier just as loneliness got harder. Anxiety and worry became a friend that I never needed (or wanted) and yet stuck on. That’s when insomnia creeped in and creeped me out. Night and day slowly began to merge. I think: that’s how it all began.
Tokyo will always be dear to me. Just as Sophia Copolla’s, “Lost in Translation” along with AIR’s “Lost in Kyoto” will always have a special place in my heart. Tokyo was the beginning of many firsts. I made many dear friends on both my trips and found the warmth (as well as hospitality) of the Japanese people to be truly endearing. However, after spending couple of years in Seoul, I stopped traveling with Basil on every work trip (contrary to what most friends imagined). I preferred staying back (in Seoul) and living my parallel life. The pictures clicked on this trip (2019) was one such trip where I didn’t follow. I was tired of travelling. Or maybe following?
Staying back wasn’t always an easy choice. There were times when things got tough. There were constant fears of an imminent war. I got frantic messages to leave Seoul. Or I got sick and was all alone. Or someone (mostly another expat) would say something that was downright racist and I would wonder why did I have to answer those ‘stupid’ questions? My (earned) privilege was the only reason I could enter the ‘developed world’. Didn’t they get that? Why did my other friends have to answer questions about ‘wine’, ‘jambon’ or ‘cheese’ and why did I have to answer questions about crime and poverty? Why could I not be just be me? Brown suddenly got a new meaning. No, it wasn’t just the colour of the earth anymore. Yeah, all that kept me up at night too.
After returning back to India, I rarely struggled with sleep. There are some nights that I have to stay up at night when my mum’s unwell. The last week was one such instance and I must confess I’m a bit low on sleep whilst I write this post. But otherwise, my eyes start shutting by ten. I wondered if it’s because I’ve (finally) become ‘old’ and my body is catching up with my (old soul) mind. A friend of mine (who spent a couple of years in the US before returning back to India) pointed out that it’s quite possible my biological clock was still set to Seoul’s timezone. Aha! Finally, a Eureka moment wherein I figure why I struggled with sleep in Seoul or abroad (on longer trips). My biological clock was set to IST (Indian Standard Time). It took me six long years to realise: and so was my heart.
Great photos ~ the B&W matches the mood of your writing so well 🙂 You touch upon issues I’ve had with travel and living in another country ~ and the times where restlessness makes things so much more difficult when it comes to getting good sleep. There is no place like home, and reading this post I understand this even more. Home always has the heart, doesn’t it. I can also agree with no matter hard you try to fit in, the best you can do most of the time is just live on the periphery. One thing that helps me, is diving into the culture with the locals and seeing how it all plays out. Wishing you well and safe and happy trails ahead 🙂
Hi Randall. It’s good to hear from you! Thank you for stopping by and leaving such a thoughtful comment. 🙂 I’ve had a strange relationship with travel and expat life. I’ve always loved the former. I truly love meeting new people and learning about new cultures. I think the expectation from travellers is very low — given the economic gains that are involved in the process. Being polite and mindful (respectful) of local practices comes easy to me. However, as an expat things tend to get more complicated. The need to ‘belong’ creeps in to the equation. And that’s something I’ve always struggled with — all my life. The concept of ‘home’ is still quite vague to me. 🙂 But, I’ve made my peace with this constant state of flux. It’s a small price to pay for the amazing experiences that I’ve had. Have a great week ahead! Cheryl
What a beautiful reflection, realization and understanding. Thanks for sharing Cheryl. Maggie
Thanks, Maggie! 🙂 It was on my mind for a couple of months. It feels great to let it out! xo Cheryl
Photographs and memories. One could not fall asleep reading your writing. Surprisingly, you remember when lack of sleep messes up our cognitive mind and behaviour. Glad you’re home.
Thank you for your comment. Generally, the next day (after a night of moonlighting as an owl) was always a mess for me. Surprisingly, my memory wasn’t as affected because I used to be wide awake and pretty nocturnal. I remember most of those nights quite vividly. It was a pattern I wanted to desperately break. I’m glad to be back home too. Even if my ‘apartment’ feels more like ‘home’ than any place that I’ve ever lived in. 🙂 Cheryl
Insomnia is such a miserable thing. My mum struggled with it and I never realised how bad it is till it afflicted me. Of course! Not all the time, or I’d be a total wreck. I need much less sleep than my husband so I get by. But I hate those nights. Glad you’re coping, back in India..
Hi Jo! It’s so good to hear from you. 🙂 I never thought I’d struggle with insomnia. It gradually got worse with the constant travel and change of timezones. There are few pointers to ensure a good night’s sleep. Not watching TV just before sleeping is one of them. Trying to keep the mind calm is another trick. So, I don’t check the phone or any news before sleeping. There are cheat days but I’m doing well mostly. It’s going to be two years since we’re back. Time flies doesn’t it? xo Cheryl
Good to be back, Cheryl. Mum still doing ok?
Thanks for asking. Appreciate it! Mum’s doing fine after catching a bad bout of viral fever and cold. It’s been a rather stressful two weeks and it’s taken quite the toll on me. She’s slowly chugging back to normalcy. Fingers crossed! Hope the chaotic weather stabilises and helps in her complete recovery. xo
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Aww! Aren’t you a darlin! I’m not sure why I can’t leave comments on your blog. I’ll post it here. I truly enjoyed your Monday Walk and it took my Monday blues away. Loved those Tibetan prayer bowls. We have one of those in our apartment. Have a great week dear! xo
Thanks, hon. Since I switched the blog a couple of years ago I’ve lost quite a few people who can’t comment. Never mind. Happy you read it 🤗💙
I switched mine a couple of months back too. It’s all messy getting the likes and comments in sync. That’s blog life! 🙂
I can relate to those sleep issues Cheryl. Many a night I’ve woken at 2am totally unable to get back to sleep and my mind a whirlwind of thoughts and anxieties that are ten times worse in the darkness than in reality. Your photos are wonderful and your words as engaging as ever. Makes me ponder the whole meaning of what home really is, seeing as we no longer have one. But I’ve realised, home can be anywhere and everywhere, where the heart is. Wishing you well my friend. 🙏❤️
You get me, Miriam! 🙂 I remember those early days, in Seoul, when your blog was a guide for me. Time flies doesn’t it? We’re in 2023 and still in touch! Anxiety and depression can be quite hard and staying up at night can be a curse. I’ve struggled with the concept of ‘home’ all my life. I guess that’s why I didn’t care about expat life initially. I thought I’d be al right with it. We’re still getting opportunities to go abroad and I was pretty clear that I wanted to have some roots (even if I don’t know where they are). I can’t wait to read your blog! xo Cheryl
Time sure does fly but isn’t it amazing that we can still be in touch and reconnect. That’s the beauty of the internet. Yes. do come over and catch up and read Cheryl but no pressure, just when you can. Take care and have a great new week ahead. do
Thank you so much! You too have a great week ahead! xo
This is an amazing piece Cheryl which many/most expats can relate to from time to time at least. Your use of b&w photos sets the tone beautifully.
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment! Truly means a lot. How have you been? It’s been a while. I hope you’re doing well. I learned a lot from expat life and it shaped me. It’s good to be back though. 🙂
I am good.. just took a long break from blogging….and like yourself moved in the interim. In my case just from Canberra to Adelaide. I think expat life is good but there are distinct drawbacks which, if you havn’t been one you would not know about.
Good to hear that! Im glad to hear that you’re doing well. I guess the pandemic has made most of us move around quite a bit. I’m so sorry I couldn’t find/remember your name. 🙂 Did you get to visit Taiwan? Or the pandemic started before that? I hope I didn’t get you mixed up with someone else. 🙂 We are still getting opportunities for expat life and I was tempted to consider it. But, one of the reasons to return back was to be around my parents who need me. It be too tough to go through all of that again. Thanks for connecting once again and stopping by! Have a great week! 🙂
Albert is the name 🙂 You are nearly right with Taiwan but it was actually South Korea… and we lost that trip. Korean Airlines were great – full cash refund even though very cheap ticket. I always say live for today and the future and take advantage of opportunities as they arise. Yes wonderful to catch up with you again too.
Hi Albert! 🙂 I think I remember now you writing a post on that. I do hope you get to visit S Korea soon. It’s a beautiful time once autumn sets it. I’ve been looking at our old photos and can’t wait to start writing about our last autumn in Korea. 🙂
I think your mind and heart are just happy to be back in your comfort zone. As brave as you are (yes, you are!), it seems it was always a fight for you to be away from home, even when you didn’t realize it or want to allow for that possibility because you also value adventure and new things. You kept your chin up, but that took so much effort that you couldn’t settle your mind at night. Of course I’m just speculating – haha! In any case, I’m glad you are sleeping better and feel the comfort of being home.
You know, my comfort zone is my apartment. Haha. Shells would literally have to drag me out of it in Seoul. 🙂 In that way I can live anywhere in the world. I really love travelling though. I love meeting new people on our travels. I’m a different person as a traveller. But, when you chose to stay, in a place, things change. People expect you to change yourself and I find it hard to do that. It’s non-negotiable. Honestly, things aren’t easy in my hometown because I never grew up here and I don’t speak the local language either. They look at me as someone from the big city or who has come from abroad. I’m making some progress after two years but still no friends. 🙁 But, I guess that’s the trade-off one has to make to be closer to the parents. 🙂 Thank goodness we have technology and I can video-chat with my pals — wherever they are.
I am surprised y the number of magazines showing roman characters, is it something generla in the current culture?
I was too. I don’t remember these magazines in Tokyo. But it’s a trend in China and Korea as well. If you open the magazine, you’d not get a word of what the article is because it’s either in Mandarin or Korean. A Korean friend’s Italian husband was the first to bring this to my attention when we moved to Seoul. I remember feeling all happy to find something to read and being gutted when I opened the magazine. 🙂
This so reminds me of that movie “Lost in Translation”
Thanks, Edwin. I saw this film twice and the effect was different on both occasions. The first was before our expat days and I thought it was a cool film. It became one of my favourite films after becoming an expat. I’ve met so many expat women who have shared similar experiences like me. 🙂
First off, terrific set of pictures. Street photography is outside my comfort zone, but then I tend to avoid city centers. I’ve not been inspired to go to Tokyo, or probably even Seoul; it intimidates me.
And never having done the expat thing, I’ve never had to deal with the “foreignness” of a place for an extended period. Sleeping isn’t usually a problem, apart from jetlag, as the pace of travel often exhausts me.
But sometimes, just the newness of a situation, or the change from the rut of the usual day to day to all sorts of new input puts the old grey cells on overdrive. Maybe now that you’re back to your base “wiring”, you don’t have to mentally work as hard, and you can relax.
Thank you for your comment, Dave. I’ve conveyed your praise to Basil — the photographer. 🙂 You should try to visit Tokyo or Seoul! It’s worth it and you’d be pleasantly surprised. I have jetlag issues too. Plus sleeping in new places always is a problem unless I’m really tired. My grey cells are now adapting to the newness of what I thought was familiar. Most expats feel like the ‘twin (who went away on the high-speed rocket)’ from the ‘twin paradox’. Ever since we returned so much has changed and we find it hard to keep up. Time has passed, people have changed, and we only have memories from the time we left. But, all in all, it’s good to be back.
Welcome home, child… Cheryl this was such a open reflection of your mind, thoughts and feelings. Almost felt you are there across the table while sharing these. And you must tell Basil, brilliant pictures and compositions! The B&W set the mood so well… Enjoyed the read 🙂
Thanks, Sumi! Means a lot. 🙂 These pictures were clicked way back in 2019. Time flies, right? Took me that long to write a post on them. He had bought a new DSLR camera and wanted to test it. Looks like it worked well! xo Cheryl
I enjoy this beautiful retold and written experience of you, Cheryl. As though I could feel all the many first things you experienced in Tokyo.
Stay healthy.
<3
Hi Yuna! How have you been? Thank you for your wonderful comment. I do remember our lunches and walks in Seoul fondly. Feels like a dream now? Doesn’t it? <3